Whyguoren

My new blog, Rice Again.com

2008-05-04T19:13:00.002+08:00

Now I'm living in Suzhou I've started a new blog and thought it time to begin directing traffic there.

Visit Rice Again for more recipes, stories about China, news commentary, local Suzhou restaurant and bar reviews and easy China living.

A Lame "Sorry For Not Posting" Post.

2006-10-20T10:57:00.000+08:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while!

You know traffic has gone up considerably and inexplicably over the past month so thanks for all the support and the kind words following the loss of 丹丹.

Stand by for some more crazy China stories over the next few days. Until then here's a brief rundown in pictures.

Until next time..

Don't....

2006-10-01T11:59:00.000+08:00

...use "I was drunk" as an excuse. Don't get me wrong, I use it to myself frequently but if it affects, offends or hurts another person you have no reason to drink. Part of your right of passage as a drinker is knowing your limits or in most cases just being able to hold your booze. Is this sounding like a public service announcement? Yes? Good!

Drinking that extra Barcadi Breezer is and excellent excuse to take your shirt off and dance the Macarena, good work but don't use it as an excuse for punching that guy at the bar or dislodging the toilet from the floor. Make your own decisions and stick to you sober code of ethics when you drink so I don't have to hear that ridiculous excuse.

Watch the comments for accusations of hypocrisy!

丹丹

2006-10-01T11:36:00.000+08:00

丹丹 passed away on Thursday. She had a smile on her face until the very end, and that sparkle in her eye that you only see in someone so immensely special. She touched so many people and was loved by all that were lucky enough to meet her.

I could write and write and write on my feelings right now, 丹丹 and what a special girl she was, but I will collect my thoughts, reflect, (sober up) then I will write it all down and maybe, just maybe put it to blog.

Essentials for the Laowai on the Go

2006-09-13T14:39:00.000+08:00

Joel comments:

Haven't seen a new post for a while so I thought I'd offer some suggestions.
-Man Bags, ladders and stun guns
-Ninjas, vipers and smoke bombs
-G&T, Tudali and sleep deprivation

Now these are all references to things that have happened recently in my life while I have been too busy to post to this blog. Given the time I'd like to write a bit about my run in with a ninja, but that's for another day. Today its man bags.. or purses as they so resemble in china.

The other day I was eating with some friends at the beach. A stunning day, only a little windy, so a light layer of dust was settling on the tables and chairs. Fortunately however a friend who surely wishes to remain anonymous produced a tissue from his Chinese "man bag" that looked suspiciously like a purse to clear a little space for him to sit. In his defence though in a country of compulsive toilet paper stealers, where 90% of the toilets are considered inadequate for the average foreigner, a small pack of tissues can literally save your ass; or at least minimise the possibility you might have to use that growing collection of useless small currency building up in your man purse.

So if tissues are an essential accessory for the Laowai on the go, what else would I carry... i mean, do I carry in my man purse.

Camera: (Not in the photo for obvious reasons!) Perfect for capturing all those priceless china moments. I take my camera everywhere and go by the principal that the more photos I take the more will actually turn out OK. You know it's surprising what small China occurrences, trivial to the jaded China expat, blow the minds of the people back home. (not another f$cking temple!)

Chinese Dictionary: Until I buy a Palm Pilot, my Oxford Chinese Mini dictionary is as indispensable as say.. shoes are in down town Yantai. I can't say it's the best dictionary in the world, but its small and you can look up by Pinyin; that is, by the way words sound, not the way they look. This makes it a perfect companion for philosophical arguments at the bar or telling that taxi driver why you want to stay in China. My dictionary has also babysat me through a couple of relationships of varying degrees of success.

Pen: Great for those 5am bar room lesson planning sessions on the back of a beer stained fa piao (tax receipt).

Mobile Phone Charger: The Laowai on the go can't afford to be caught short. I spend most of my time between 3 places: work, the hospital (visiting Dan Dan) and the bar and it sucks when you have no power to call someone out for a quiet one.

Bank Book: They can send men into space, build the worlds highest railway and a damn big dam, but I still use a bank book.

Book: Good books written in English are a rare and precious commodity in China, they prevent your English ability from slipping into the abyss, provide relief from the drugery of CCTV9 and you can sit on them when you're waiting for the bus. (saves on tissues when you need to dust off the bench)

What other essentials have I missed that could potentially make my life easier? See you next time.

Health Care

2006-09-01T01:39:00.000+08:00

Okay, so I'm I'm going to spill my guts a bit here. In that, I'm not really about blogging my feelings, this isn't a diary or a Dear Abby column, but I thought I'd write a bit about my experience with the Chinese health system. Not in it, just as a helpless bystander. A few months ago my girlfriend was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Not alot they could do, some surgery.. ineffective. Hairless and emaciated she spent a couple of months in this fine cities premier hospital.

In China they love "drips" . If you have a cold an intravenous drip is the medicine of choice. I've heard that infants have it in the skull (?) but she had a series of ineffective but expensive drips, sometimes 5 bags daily. In a Chinese hospital the nurses are not really responsible for much more than changing the intravenous medicine, sheets and the like. You must have a family member with you at all times to ensure you are fed, washed and truly looked after. I must say though, most of the nurses I have met have been wonderful albeit a slightly different approach than their western counterparts.

Next, searching for a different, maybe more proactive approach to the problem, we were admitted to the aptly named "Tumour Hospital". Beds screwed to the concrete floor, toilets comparable to a rugby club changing shed, but fantastic, compassionate nurses and attentive doctors.. moreover access to the necessary facilities.

One day, like every other day I was at her side, her uncle arrived, lit up, offered me a smoke, and happily produced a bag of beer he had brought from the restaurant outside. What better way to celebrate a visit to this sad and depressing place than a cigarette and a beer. I sat quietly drinking my beer and trying to will the smoke away from the old guy with the oxygen tank.

It reminds me of the time I took her for a stroll in one of the hospitals only wheel chairs. It was a nice reprieve from the drab interior of the hospital, sitting beside the stagnant mud pool, the remains of a grand fountain, once the center point of a new hospital. Around us the shops where alive with gaggles of pubescent girls buying snacks to take back to the surrounding garment factories (read: sweat shops). Despite the cheery atmosphere, I felt bad when a young guy came out carrying his elderly mother because he couldn't find a wheel chair.

Anyway, I don't mean to say bad things about the hospitals I have been in here. There are a tremendous amount of people who greatly need their help and the job they are doing is fantastic despite the odds.

So, this has been my life recently, I challenge you to give me something else to write about and I'll do my best.

Doing Things in China

2006-08-23T11:46:00.000+08:00

Heres a conversation I had in a Beijing Bank of China and then again in Xian.

Nick: I'd like to draw some money of my credit card please.
Teller: You can't do that here.
Nick: Yes I can.
Manager: No, you can't do that here.
Nick: Yes I can, this is the Bank of China.
Manager: Ok
Teller: How much money would you like?

Why is it that when you are told you can't do something in China it inevitably means "too much paper work", "can't be bothered" or "can't think outside the square'.

You need to dig in your heels, be stubborn and push.

A wise old man (who now resides in Xiamen) once told me this, and it rings true:

In China nothing is possible and anything is possible.

But honestly most of the time I think people are just fucking with me.

Coca cola Chicken Wings

2006-07-28T14:50:00.000+08:00

I like simple home cooked Chinese food. This is a tasty dish popular in China which I like because you just can't screw it up no matter how drunk/stupid you are. (Just remember to turn off the gas when you're finished)

Disclaimer: I'm no chef. I don't know the correct terminology for what I'm going to describe here. But as they say in New Zealand..

She'll be right mate.

Ingredients

Chicken Wings
Garlic
Ginger
Coca cola
Bai Jiu (Chinese White Spirit)
A little MSG or Salt (to taste)
Honey
Whiskey (if desired)

Instructions

Dice some garlic and ginger. I always say you can never have too much garlic, but easy on the ginger though. Don't chop the ginger too finely so you can pick it out later. No one likes crunching down on a big chunk of ginger when they expected sweet chickeny goodness. Pour a little oil in your wok, one with a lid if possible, turn on the heat and add your ginger, garlic and your chicken wings.

Slightly brown the chicken wings. Don't worry about not cooking too thoroughly, nothing will survive the sticky bubbling magma of boiling hot Coca cola that will ensue. Add just enough Coca cola to cover your wings.

Optional: When the Coke begins to bubble, add a dollop of honey, a splash of bai jiu and maybe a little MSG (if you're Chinese) to taste. I don't know what the bai jiu does for the flavour but I like cooking with alcohol. (easy tiger, save some for the gan beis) The honey is a little unnecessary given the high sugar content of the coke, but hey who am I to change a winning formula?

If possible cover the Wok and leave to simmer until the coke has boiled down into a sticky mess which will now have glazed your chicken wings. Meanwhile, mix the remainder of the Coke with your whiskey in a tumbler with lots of ice and return to reading this blog.

Escape From ā yí -Catraz

2006-07-28T12:37:00.000+08:00

阿姨 (ā yí) means Auntie.

Occasionally necessity dictates that I crash at 丹丹's (DanDan's - please use the Chinese pronunciation, your making me cringe) house. Now since she moved back to Yantai, from Qingdao she's been living back with her parents. Well at least that's where she keeps her toothbrush. So occasionally well will spend the night there as opposed to taking the 20 minute taxi ride back to Lai Shan.

Last night was one such occasion. Now this is OK, I've gotten used to hard Chinese beds, flushing the toilet with a bucket and drifting off to sleep to the placating sounds of mahjong tiles slapping wood and men clearing their throats on the pavement outside. However there is one thing I've never gotten used to; being force-fed.

For the life of me, I cannot find a way to stop 丹丹's mother, my 阿姨, from cooking horrendous amounts of dumplings, fried fish, noodles and wait for it Coca Cola Chicken for BREAKFAST. Despite being quite capable of enjoying a Chinese breakfast, after a night drinking dirty and cheap Yantai Beer, more often than not, the only thing my stomach can tolerate is more Yantai Beer. Sometimes I have to be at work in 5 minutes time, other times I have been lying in bed dreaming of the bacon and eggs I am going to fry up in my wok when I get home. She's always guarding the door when I get up ready to grab my arm and lead me to the table.

I have tried everything. Faked diarrhoea, late for work; I've even tried sneaking out but she can smell fear, or malnourishment, I don't know which.

Don't get me wrong, I love this aspect of Chinese culture. My 阿姨's great, she's easy to please, just eat.. EAT! But if your running late for work or have a tremendous hangover and just can't face the fishy smelling noodles she has prepared, she grumbles off as if you just called her food dog shit.

Get Rid of Tourists

2006-07-23T13:40:00.000+08:00

This actually refers to those that pollute the scenery while your trying to photograph it as if your the only one there. Great service.

Tourist Remover

Yantai Wakes Up

2006-07-23T12:23:00.000+08:00

I shot these at 4.30 in the morning after a night on the beers. Unfortunately I wasn't in the best condition at the time.

The pics were shot from my apartment window.

WTF?! Chinese Wikipedia?

2006-07-20T11:36:00.000+08:00

Can this work in China?

Baidu.com's answer to Wikipedia

Baidu, while encouraging contributions from its users, also hires "experts" to "ensure the quality of entries

Ahh yes "Quality".

Critics have accused Baidu Baike of lifting contents from Wikipedia, but Bian said that "the sharing of information is instrumental in the development and the continuity of knowledge."

Too much China for me today.. I'm going to drink myself into a stupor.

[Edit: 3:01 am] I'm loaded...

Jessica Alba "Sells" Condoms in China

2006-07-20T11:18:00.000+08:00

I photograped this out in the sticks of Yantai in an industrial zone. Being out there reminded me of what it's like to be stared at constantly and be the novelty again. I was astounded at the number of buses bringing teenage girls in from the countryside to sew garments and the shop owner looked nervous as the foriegn spy photographed condoms in her shop window.

Living in Yantai

2006-07-15T13:41:00.000+08:00

The idea of the "bad china day" is well publicised and an often discussed topic among China Expats on the net. You just have to read some of the classic posts on Talktalk China to get an idea of what I'm talking about.

Lately I've had many such days teaching ESL in Yantai, but I won't get into that. I just wanted to draw attention to this post, that while a little harsh in parts for some areas of China, sums up how you will be treated and be made to feel at least once during your stay in this wonderful country.

755 Days to go until the Olympic Games.

Hair Cuts in China

2006-07-10T22:09:00.000+08:00

Having a haircut in China is always a scary occurrance for me. It's not just the language constraints, its the fact that your trapped in this chair, between a hairdresser and his reflection, when all he wants to do is talk to you.

Now I don't mean a good conversation, more a bunch of inane questions he thinks you'll understand usually follwed by a snigger and a high five from his hairdresser buddies.

You get:

"Where are you from?"

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"How old are you?"

and my all time favourite "Do you like China?"

Never: "How shall I cut your hair? Communist issue or funky Japan inspired? What will it be today?"

Bag Beer

2006-07-03T23:53:00.000+08:00

This will mean nothing to anyone else who's spent a summer in China, probably Asia for that matter.

Its a bag of beer! It's all too convenient too, you can't go outside in Yantai without tripping over a keg. Just sling it over your back and your off home.

At some point however you need to master the bag pour.

Rotten Tofu & Scorpions

2006-07-03T15:27:00.000+08:00

So whats new? Since my last installment I've had a couple of epicurean adventures that I think are worth a mention.

Chou Dofu (Tofu): Know there are two "chou's" in the Chinese language that you need to know about, ugly and smelly. You see me and every other foreigner I know has avoided Chou Tofu from the outset, the stuff stinks, just walking past a street stand makes you gag and your eyes burn. I hate the smell, but Dandan has been trying to get me to eat it for some time so last week I relented. All it really is, is chunks of fermented tofu deep fried in a wok, usually on a street corner for all to smell. Once I have gotten over the smell I munched down on a chunk. Not too bad really, a bit of a pang. The verdict? A Little like the first time I tried blue cheese. Probably an acquired taste.

The same day, Dandan and I were walking down the street looking for a place to eat, and among the dives, street vendors and noisy afternoon bustle we noticed and old woman sitting on the pavement with a small enamel bowl in front of her. Now, this is not unusual in China, but she was not a beggar. In her bowl were hundreds of small scorpions, stingers at the ready. Now I who have had a deadly fear of scorpions since childhood, did what I normally do when I'm nervous, make a joke. "delicious" I exclaimed, not seeing a BBQ in sight, a favourable risk assessment in my mind. To Dandans delight however, the woman produced a bag from her satchel containing some she had prepared earlier. The verdict? Kind of scary when you think your food is going to kill you, otherwise they just taste like sunflower seeds.

Last weekend was Dandans cousins wedding. I know the topic of Chinese weddings is a bit tired, but this was the first one I've really been actively involved in. My mother has already complained that my emails always involve me getting really drunk and making strange observations, so here's what happened leading up to the banquet and subsequent intoxication.

The day began at about 7am when family congregated at the home of the grooms family. The bride and groom were elsewhere making preparations. My head was hurting mainly because the night before was my Dutch friend Peter's last night in Yantai and a little because the dialect is especially hard to understand so early in the morning. (Yantai people don't have coffee in their homes) Rather than being force fed by the women upstairs, I opt to join the men on the street laying out massive quantities of fireworks.

I like fireworks. I usually don't like fireworks at 7am when I'm trying to sleep, but now it was my turn. The fireworks in China don't so much as go bang as they go boom and cause car alarms to trigger for blocks. Some are really big and its easy to imagine your in Iraq some mornings, given that housing is super-high-density and marriage is an institution central to Chinese culture.

As I wait in anticipation for the carnage to commence, a brass band in baggy red uniforms are assembling their instruments. The Trumpet player tells me he's been to New Zealand and he's a glass enamel salesman. Before long a convoy of 6 black Audis pull up and stop at a safe distance to the fireworks. Next all hell breaks loose. I couldn't really take photos because their was too much smoke and I was too busy covering my ears. Soon the commotion stopped and the bride and groom got out of the leading vehicle. (the one with the most flowers sellotaped to the bonnet). The brass band played and the air filled with confetti and streamers fired from long tubes with small explosive charges. Soon the confetti settled on the ground with the shards of red rice paper from the expended fire works, and the bride and groom go inside. The Bride is wearing a white gown instead of a traditional red Qi Pao which disappoints me, not only because they are discarding their culture (which is becoming typical of a lot of young Chinese) but because all Chinese women look great in a Qi Pao.

The next 3 hours are spent driving abound Yantai's scenic spots taking photos of the bride and groom in conceived situations and poses. It was stinking hot by this stage, so I was glad I had dressed down. By 11.00, the pain in my head had moved to my feet, but It was time for the banquet.

That's all I have time for at he moment. I'm busy grading exams, and gearing up for a holiday. I hope your'e all not too cold, i've had my winter.

A Chinese Wedding - Qingdao

2006-07-03T15:26:00.000+08:00

While I write this I am the only person in a smelly restaurant in 40 degree heat. The upside is San Pi is back on. San Pi is like a home brew draught beer that comes out in the spring. Every restaurant has a keg or two of the stuff sitting out the front of their restaurant, mostly in the sun. Street vendors sell it in plastic supermarket bags to go. It doesn't give you a hangover and it costs less than 10 NZD a keg. Well that's what I'm sipping on while I try to remember the events of the last week.

Last weekend I returned to Qingdao with Dandan. I was surprised to learn that we were to catch a ride with Leilei's ( Dandan's cousin) friends. (you should have picked up on the naming convention by now) Two Chinese "Jokers" with an old 4wd. So they crammed the 6 of us in the car, four across the back seat and we were off. The seat belt plug dug into my back as we pulled away, which was strange because there were no seat belts. The law in Yantai says that you must have belts in the front seats, not necessarily the back, but most people just drape them over their laps to avoid detection by the incompetent police. It is this sort of safety precaution you see a lot of in Yantai. Like the guy who rides a hundred miles an hour on their motorbike with an unfastened construction helmet precariously balanced on his head.

Anyway, we arrived in Qingdao in time to go to the bar. Where we played the crazy dice drinking game which is oh-so-popular in Chinese bars. Unlike NZ its common to just buy liquor by the bottle and mix it at the table so the two jokers I was with ordered two bottles of Chivas and one of Vodka, which I think was just for impact because it was the only bottle left at the end of the night. Our poison was whiskey and green tea, which is a bloody good drink if you ever get the chance to try it.

The next day I was a little woozy and my one change of clothes was a little wet due the the down pours the night before. A good time for Dandan to inform me of the true purpose for our trip. Surprise number 2: her friends wedding.

Chinese weddings are fun, big boozy affairs and a maze of cultural niceties, rigmarole and sometimes tradition. Add the fact your this crazy celebrity (their foreign friend everyone wants to drink with) to the mix and you've the makings of an interesting time. Now the last Chinese wedding I went to I made the mistake of joking (bragging) about my Penis Wine drinking ability to a bunch of drunk Chinese businessmen who then proceeded to force me to drink a whole litre of the stuff. Fortunately I came out on top with relative god status, not so with Dandan who had to deal with the aftermath, but that's another story. Having learnt from past mistakes and a Little hungover, I was now determined to stay out of trouble.

It was all going well, a little conversation here, a little food there, trying to understand the speeches and why the bride kept changing her dress. A little later there were some Karaoke love songs. I was just answering the "where do you come from" question for the 28th time when everyone at my table jumped up and started pushing me towards the stage. The MC jumped on the PA system, "waiguo pengyou, waiguo pengyou!" (foreign friend foreign friend). A feeling of terror overcame me. Now you have to understand that this is all happening in Chinese. The first thing that crossed my mind was that they would make me sing Karaoke, the second, that I would have to give a speech in Chinese, oh God. "I wish I had some penis wine now", I thought to myself. Despite all this, I wasn't really ready for what ensued. A "no-hands" cake eating contest. A Chinese cake is like a big sponge cake which is iced with about twice the actual cakes weight in cream, which in this case promptly transferred to my face.

When I can cleaned up, my face, not in the competition unfortunately, I sat back down to find a mysterious little bowl on the middle of the already crowded "lazy susan". It was about the size of a soup bowl and there was one on every table. The guests were pouring random leftovers like the sauce from the fish dish, stale beer, bai jiu (Chinese White Spirit, read: Turpentine) and tea. I guess it didn't really matter, it was just a big curdled mess. When I asked, they just said "Hao he de" (good to drink) and I took that in my stride as just another of the great mysteries of China. Later in the proceedings the Chinese people at my table perked up and said Nick, take this bowl over to the groom. No worries, I thought, "at least he knows who I am after the cake eating contest". So I walked over to the table he was at to find he already had a few such bowls and was proceeding to scull them back, dribbling curdled crap onto his tuxedo.

I have to say, I was a little surprised to see this. Later my students would explain to me that this is a wedding tradition which symbolises the sweet, the sours, the bitters etc etc.. of marriage.

Anyway, I'll leave you with that thought.

May Day

2006-05-05T12:21:00.000+08:00

This week was Wu Yi (5/1 in English) or Labour Week. That's right the Chinese get a week to celebrate what we would call Labour Day. Wu Yi is just one of the 3 "Golden Weeks" instigated by the Chinese government in 1999 to expand domestic tourism so the whole country leaves town and clogs up the countries tourist traps. Dan Dan and I went to Qingdao, but not before we experienced first hand a real Yantai amusement park.

Well you couldn't really call it a park as such because it really only had 3 attractions; a pirate ship that rocks back and forth, a merry go round spaceship thing and some baseball batting cages with automatic ball launchers (??). I couldn't help but feeling a little scared on the pirate ship, not because it was scary but because there are no real safety standards in China to speak of and the crazy Chinese carny operating the ride seemed excited to see foreigners and was obviously seeing how hard he could push his equipment to give us a good time. Now that's an adrenaline rush.

Next DanDan and I went to Qingdao for a couple of days. It was nice going with DanDan because until recently she worked there and she knows the place inside out. Until this week I had only spent a few hours there en route to Shanghai. Qingdao is a bigger coastal city than Yantai and its the venue for the 2008 Olympic sailing, so the city was alive with activity. Qingdao also has an abundance of old German architecture including a massive cathedral with towering spires and a castle built in the 1930's for a Russian aristocrat. A remnant of the German influence I am grateful for was the beer, which Qingdao is famous for, aptly named Tsingdao Beer (old style phonetisization). Now the trick to travelling with a girlfriend is to be a little drunk at all times. No just kidding, but needless to say I'm not one to pass up on an opportunity. The other thing about Qingdao that sticks in my mind is that we ate an obscene amount of seafood. Crabs, and these things that looked like a lobster but were only sightly larger than a large King Prawn. Delicious.

Anyway, the weathers packed it in now so I'm back in Yantai now. I'm thinking of going into the city soon, if it stops raining, to buy some more Chinese art to decorate the apartment.

Update

2006-04-03T15:18:00.000+08:00

It's been so long since my last email and a lot has changed. Recently Tom (Australian) and I moved out of the university "hotel" and into a proper 3 bedroom apartment, still on campus (govt regulations for foreigners) but right on the beach where all the proper Chinese staff live. The place is very Chinese with dodgy red velvet curtains in my bedroom, Chinese plumbing and awesome varnished panelling on the walls. (Penny would have her work cut out for her)

I have also found myself quite immersed in Chinese daily life of late. I have a private teaching job on Sunday mornings where I just go and speak English with an 11 year old kid. This inevitably means lunch with his family every weekend, which is great because I can practice my Chinese and it's nice to have some home cooked food from time to time. Last Sunday the mother had to go to a wedding so I was invited for lunch with the Father and his old school buddies at a restaurant. Chinese men like to toast a lot and once the had gotten over their surprise that the laowai (foreigner) is "able to drink" (as they say in china) they brought out the San Bian Jiu. Now I like a good bottle of 3 penis wine as much as the next bloke (yes you read correctly) but this was my first time. So 4, 300ml bottles each of penis infused 30% liquor later we were all getting on like a house on fire. To cut a long story short, not much English got taught that day.

Saturday, was my lovely girlfriend XiaoDan's birthday, so I went out for dinner with her extended family. This was another case of being in a situation where no one spoke English. All of her uncles and cousins wanted to drink with me, which in china involves a little toast and a shot of liquor or sculling your beer. They are all lovely people and didn't treat the foreigner as an amusement as is common in china. Afterwards we went to a Karaoke place which didn't have any English songs. Karaoke in China means renting a room with a big couch, a TV and stereo system, ordering copious amounts of beer and snacks and hanging out with your friends while you sing terribly. Again no English speakers.

Monday was an exciting day for me. I found a place to buy Mainland cheese. This is my first real cheese in 8 months. Food is strange in China. Bread and butter is sweet, milk is all UTF and is sold in bags.

I think I will stay in Yantai for a while, its nice here, the people are wonderful and I have made a lot of friends, Chinese and foreign.